Confused

I've been feeling quite lonely the past few days, and it's not just due to Bali/USA withdrawal. Recently I've been plagued with yet another wave of uncertainty and distress, feelings of nostalgia and loneliness all rolled into one, and recent events haven't really helped all that much.

Specifically recent events such as the Pixar exhibition have left me feeling even more neglected than ever. I suppose I shouldn't feel this way, but really, when your friend asks you to go for an outing, then turns it into a group outing with you as the sole outsider, it's almost inevitable to feel this way, and the feeling was heightened through the events of the day. I may as well have gone for it myself. But it's not just that of course, I find myself feeling left out, neglected and lonely. I've also come to the realisation that most of the time, events which I try to initiate always seem to get rejected whereas I find myself caving in to the demands of others, and flashbacks of events such as the A levels release day don't help.

Who do I have to blame for these? My friends, for leaving me out or not taking heed? No, I believe I have to blame myself, at least mostly, for feeling this way. How can I, after all, blame my friends for having others they value more than me? It's their right after all. Who am I to detract from their friendship with others? Friendship isn't just something I can demand, it has to be given freely. And it's not as though they don't give the friendship, they do, just that somehow I never feel satiated. It's like a neverending hunger of mine.

I just wish that sometimes, people would make me feel as though I mattered. Maybe it's just my luck, or the fact that the people I'm friends with don't see things the way I do, but I never really get this from most people. I know, consciously, that they regard me as friends but sometimes my heart just needs more. Sometimes I just feel like a friend of convenience, that people call if they need me or want company, but otherwise they'd rather not go out of their way. I guess it's the differences in the way I see things, I regard each person as an individual and treat the friendship as such, while most people would be happy with anyone's company, not caring who it is.

This loneliness and unjustified jealousy and possessiveness is something I need to get rid of, but I have no idea how, really...